A man enjoying an intoxicant drug has no idea how that drug affects him because, well, that's the whole idea. So when my employer, Mr. Marx, asked me to prepare an article comparing the life skills of potheads as compared to drunks, I immediately knew that I would be ill-advised to consult the test subjects directly. Their inability to accurately answer life-skill questions is the principal evidence that they are qualified test subjects, and I leave it at that. So how best to judge?

And this is not a mere academic question. Life skills affect the economy. Employing them means that we are all, given the possible consequences, obligated to use the appropriate drugs beforehand. Example: imagine being asked to minister over a block party buffet table. Naturally, you wonder whether to smoke pot first, or to drink heavily. Making the right decision here can mean the difference between a successful afternoon and possible loss of life.

Because I knew that potheads would take a keen interest in the results of my definitive study, I decided not to use mathematical methods. And no "man in the street" interviews, because of the people you find there. Hidden camera tests require cameras. Eventually I decided to just use, well, me, and my feelings. I'm qualified to do this, of course, because this is my article. But also because my interesting life has been a stage upon which many an enterprising soul has bumbled over the footlights at the behest of a deranging muse. Surely, I think, these players will profit from having their work critiqued via the simple offices of a sober and stable mind.

Sot vs. Pot: the Challenge.
Scrabble. I positioned two acquaintances at the gameboard, modified them with their favored intoxicants, and tasked them to a brute wordmatch. Soon FUCKIT, TERDS, WTORIOT burned my eyes, but there they were, resplendent in their own reality. As it happened, my pothead did not place any tiles at all on the board during the game, so my hands were tied. Result: drunks.

Driving. In my experience, drunks are able to drive more adeptly at higher speeds prior to collision; potheads show a greater state of caution at slower speeds before sleep, collision. And here science can be helpful. According to my research, if I'm getting into a car driven by one of our test subjects, I pick the eight-airbag Subaru Challenger. Result: it's a wash.

Golf. Potheads are analytical to a fault around the green, and are philosophical about Mulligans, shanks, the odd lost club or forgotten ball. Drunks are bullyboys at the tee, swear, and are otherwise good athletes. But inevitably the bag of clubs goes into the drink, and I'm not paying for that. Result: potheads.

Futzing about. There are millions of different types of drunks, but only one kind of pothead. That's the beauty of marijuana. And a pothead, asked to spend a simple afternoon futzing about the apartment, can be depended upon to fulfill that request with a measured ease. With drunks you'll get denial, anger, crying jags and an embarrassment of affection. Avoid at all costs. Result: potheads.

by Mills Rackley - editor@wildworldnews.com

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This story originally published in Mary Jane Magazine #2, Fall 2010.